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I wish i could decipher all these feelings.
im so overwhelmed i could puke.
what a fucking ephiany
i hate how ive let this sadness define me
i never thought it could get this bad
its like a disease:ignoring it just makes it worse
im sick of thinking so negativly.
im so tired of hurting the ones i love
i hate myself for shoving the problems away
i hate im so selfish
i hate how i know youre too good for me and im the cause of these fights
i take things for granted
i hate how im slacking in school
i hate how im obsessing over food
i hate how i have no friends
i hate how i hurt chris
im sick of crying every second im alone.
this depression has finally yaken over most aspects of my life and im so hopeless
driving home i tryed to think of things i remembered about the old me. I couldnt think of anything
ive changed. I dont know who i am or what i want
i m ready for help
i cant take it. Im scared whats going to happen to me if i dont
im officaly crazzzzy

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It wasnapos;t as bad as I thought :0 Multiple choice was fairly easy and the notes paid off for the short answer portion XD;; I hope she can read my handwriting =X

Iapos;m hoping for an A, but if not, then a borderline B/A I hope. :[ T_____T

~~~

Eternal Sonata PS3 comes out tomorrow Happy day for all And people living in PAL regions can play it in February :D

~~~

Dashiell Hammett strikes again. :[ His short story, "His Brotherapos;s Keeper," killed me. D8

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Itapos;s that time of year again. SWIM i went with my sister to her tryouts ( Iapos;m already on the team) and the team is going to be great. So many good swimmers and many new potential friends. Iapos;ve already made friends with three girls named mya,sally,and this other girls whoapos;s name i donapos;t remember. Gah iapos;m so excited. I signed up for a park team so i can start practicing/training now. Iapos;m looking forward to working out with victor and jeffrey i think i made them fells bad about their bodies " i thought you would have a nicer body than bryan but your really scrawny" haha iapos;m so mean. But anywhoo. I just cant wait till it starts, swimming just makes everything much much easier to handle. It really relieves my stress and makes m way happier.

i canapos;t hardly wait <33
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Yesterday was pretty special. I went up to dc to see the secret machines for the first time in at least two years i think, which is just baffling to me. They played a lot of new songs and not enough off ten silver drops i think but still the set was so good...they are one band i love seeing alone because i just get so wrapped up and lost in the music, i realized several times i was clutching my crossed arms to contain myself from, i donapos;t know, any sudden movements. I would find myself biting back smiles, because the last thing you want when youapos;re in the second row is the band seeing you grinning like an idiot. I was a little worried about the new guitarist because i loved benjamin so dearly, but they have similar performing styles so it was okay (plus i realized i am seeing school of seven bells �m83 together next month anyway so i will get my ben fix then). Ugh i canapos;t even fully explain their show, if you havenapos;t seen them you need to, and if you have seen them you know itapos;s all pounding beats and bright lights and fog and so simple and wonderful. I walked out of there thinking�"now THATapos;S a band," which immediately made me feel guilty (or quilty, as my mom would say) because of course tai is a real band, but itapos;s just such a different experience. Anyway i loved it.

also wonderful is the fact that i joined an audiobook community and the first post i saw was the twilight books, so i listened to twilight on the way to and from the show and fell in love with edward cullen even more. Shaila and i spent a few minutes at work today looking at pictures and talking about how excited we are for the movie...i realized iapos;ll be in dc on the 20th at jackapos;s mannequin, so i am going to have to go to a midnight showing there or something, idk. But then today i started listening when i got home from work, and i was dozing off and kept thinking�"i need to stop this book" but then iapos;d fall back asleep. I finally did reach over and turn it off, though, which is a good thing since i ended up sleeping for four hours.

i was thinking vaguely of going to chicago to see empires steel train next month, nov 15, which is a saturday. I could fly of around $200, or according to the aaa fuel cost calculator website, i could drive for the same amount. Would anyone be interested in going out there? if a few of us went it would be cheaper and oh i miss chicago so much, and tombo would be happy to see everyone you can blame fannie for putting the idea in my head

i have a job interview on monday, this is getting so old. Today i had a mock interview with pat, who is one of my favorite people in life and a great mentor, and she gave me some standard interview questions to practice over the weekend because i get so nervous and flustered and sound like i donapos;t know what iapos;m talking about. It seems like a pretty neat job though, and pat thinks it would be a great learning experience, soooo....considering i have been looking for a full-time, w/ benefits, permanent job since february, this would be a good one to get.

okay i am starvinapos; marvin, i am going to go have some dinner and probably go back to bed. Aaaadios
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Well, this is definitely turning out to be the suckiest year of my life (that I can recall).

Today Richard told us heapos;s resigning. As much as I hate the guy, Iapos;ve become used to him and finally know how to make him happy. Get your fucking minds out the gutter. And as begrudgingly as I admit it, the animation department at AFDA wouldnapos;t be what it is if it werenapos;t for him. He says he wants to work part time just to see our year through, but Iapos;m worried about the department as a whole.

Animation is really one of the most respected departments at AFDA. We have to work much harder than most of the other disciplines and thereapos;s almost an elitism about it. We tend to be much more successful than Live Action and overall itapos;s just an important department that AFDA still views as an optional extra.

We just finally got the department expanded and our own array of equipment. If Richard isnapos;t there, weapos;re likely to just be swallowed into the ranks of the joke that is the Visual Effects Department.

As much as I hate AFDA, I really have grown fond of our little Animation section and the camaraderie that we have. Iapos;d even be willing to look after it for a bit myself. Itapos;s akin to selling your soul to Satan, but if it would be for the good of Animation as a whole, I would stay for a bit and teach at AFDA.

Overall, Iapos;m really miserable. This has just turned out to be such an unpleasant year. I know Iapos;m looking at the worst case scenario, but itapos;s something Iapos;ve come to learn to expect.

Well, fuck.
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We had a GREAT time at Mamma Mia last night,though the only drawback was that even though we were in the 7th row we were off to the side of the theater so we couldnapos;t quite see a few things. Otherwise the show was awesome,and sis and I both expressed how much we think our Mom would enjoy it If only she could stay up that late...(the show was over around 10:15).

*ABBA will forever ROCK*

Iapos;ll write a better synopsis later...

Today I am going with Kamrynapos;s class to a local dairy farm and I need to be at school by 9:30 so I have to get ready. We have to dress very warmly today,that is for sure The temp is supposed to top out in the upper 50apos;s with a slight chance of rain in the afternoon. I had Kamryn wear some navy sweatpants I had bought for Erin;they seem to fit decently,though they are a little long. I figured the dresses sheapos;s been wearing (because she is a difficult size on the bottom) werenapos;t going to cut it today since weapos;d be outside,and I also had her wear a long-sleeved shirt with her warm snuggly sweatshirt and mittens. She should be good to go now. Two other K classes are going (two others went yesterday),and we should be back to school by 12:15,just before their lunchtime.

Have a great day all,and I will chat later hearts;
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